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Thinking Time

It occurred to me the other day that I post a lot on Instagram about hanging out in bed, so I thought maybe it was good timing to share some pictures I’d been planning on sharing soon anyways…of what else we’ve been up to out here…just in case anyone was getting worried! These snow pictures are from spending New Year’s in Whitefish, Montana with Derick’s family like we always do. Such a nice way to break up winter and do something fun. This was probably about a week before the twins were born. Baker whined all through sledding and had to be held! (And then he still whined).

Van and Boss were diehard sledders, catching air and everything, getting running headstarts at the sleds. They always surprise me what things they decide to be brave at. :)

The rest of these were taken after the twins. It’s pretty fair to say that’s how life will be looked at from now on. I was determined to not let the boys really notice a difference in their life. They clearly knew something was wrong, and I’m not sure that even Van will remember much or any of it, but either way, we forced ourselves a bit more to keep the boys busy with fun things during the long winter days. It was also a good distraction at times to just sit and simply be with the boys too…innocent little men who looked at us the exact same not realizing our happy existence had been shattered. Boston asked a few weeks ago while visiting the twins’ grave, “Mommy, did I die when I was a baby?” Ha…uh, no Boss sweetie, or you’d be beside Deacon and Shepard right now. “Oh.” And we had an extra lunchbox in the cupboard (I have a metal lunchbox-buying fetish), and Van says very practically, “Maybe if we have another baby and it doesn’t die, then it could have the extra one.” Always has big ideas that one! So happy they’re so innocent though, we’re lucky that way.

Derick helped them glue these mdf pieces together to make little houses, then they decorated them with odds and ends I’d filled Van’s craft desk with. I’d been saving for a few months to fill it full of “supplies”. For some reason I just hate throwing away all those pretty-colored plastic bread bag holders. :) Major recycle nerd here…proud of it.

Grandma set us up with some valentines for everyone to play with. Boston is pretty good at writing his name…though he does get frustrated. :)

Not sure what Van man was in such deep thought over. Some serious valentine filling out I guess!

Here’s the car town mat I sewed for the kids this last Christmas. I was determined to spend as little money as possible on the kids while they were still little enough to not notice. I made this car mat just out of material I had in my cupboard…was kind of annoying not going out and buying cutesy stuff, but I was happy with how it turned out. Felt good to use up material. We all ready had these Melissa and Doug wooden cars/signs on hand hiding in a cupboard that I’d bought 50% off over a year earlier, so that worked out too. I’m like my mom that way hoarding my good deals until there’s a need. Except I hoard kids’ clothes and toys, she hoards stale treats, ha ha.

Even did a Pinterest craft…colored ice cubs on the apple tree out front. It was actually really pretty covered in those ice cubs…was bummed when they melted.

Made some fish aquariums one day. Heaven forbid I throw out a box or any garbage for that matter without letting the kids make something out of it first! I can’t blame them, I was the exact.same.way. I have to stuff things in the garbage when they’re not looking all the time. The boys LOVE tying string to anything at all calling it their fishing rods. Maybe it’s time we get them some reel ones. Punny.

Sweet Van made “battery guy” for his kindergarten teacher. Had to have a picture of it first because I thought he was the cutest little made-up guy. Wonder what his teacher thought of it. Ha ha.

Another sweet Van move…he found a box and just wanted to make Boston a car, not himself. He worked for days on it, painting it just right, coloring in things he had his dad draw (like Boston’s name), gluing a million eyeballs to the side, cutting out each notch you see, decorating the sides, adding wheels. A kid obsessed…here you can see he made a door complete with string to hold it shut. :)

Then the big guy had his 6th birthday. We ordered a cake from Sobey’s for the first time. It was only $20, but I was supposed to provide all the little trinkets on top (or pay $15 and I thought it would be cheaper/cuter to get my own anyways), but then they ended up throwing theirs in for free. Probably because they felt bad for writing his name so terrible on the side? It looked like they let my sweet aging Grandma do it! Man was Van excited to get his wallet! Had been asking for one for months…I all ready had one hoarded in the cupboard for his birthday too when he first asked. Made me feel like a smarty pants mom. Ha.

We found this mostly gray and little bit white bike on kijiji for $50 and I was so so happy. The kid needed a bigger bike something fierce, but I didn’t like anything we’d seen in stores, (too cheesy), and didn’t have the time or the $300 to order the only cute one I found online…so finding this like-new one seriously made.my.day. and it was so similar to the one I wanted online! Bought the cutest neon handles for it too.

Another one of Van’s creations….yes, from garbage. Ha ha. Bills it looks like!

Derick cut them out these guns from mdf, and it was like Christmas morning letting them paint them. So excited. They now paint almost naked! So tired of that paint ruining their clothes.

Easter happened after church this year for us…though I did sneak the bow tie and fuzzy bunny tail on Baker for church. Ha ha. Boston’s hat kills me, for some reason it suits him perfectly…ha ha. They’re wearing their matching ties they wore to Shepard and Deacon’s service that their awesome Aunt Jennie sewed them. She sewed matching ones for the twins too to wear, and even some replicas for me to keep. I was so lucky to have some sweet people in my life help me pull together the service quick but still keep it special and nice and cute enough for those two darling babies of mine. Will share some pictures some day.

Ha ha, oh Boss.

Van’s wearing Bakes’ bunny tail here…was seriously the cutest. He wagged it all over church. Probably not very reverent. Probably doesn’t matter because he’s 2.

Superstore is the BEST for these sweaters. Can’t get enough of the boys in their animal sweaters. And the boys just love them too…loved to wear them together. Three little grandpa boys. Complete with 1 day-old awkward haircuts. Please notice the hunk of hair missing from Boston’s right side. :) He was the last one and I was feeling tired I think. Ha.

And last but not least a classic fishing picture. These are just a few of my favs I picked…been editing all of 2013, getting it ready to print for the yearly album. Didn’t want to overload old lappy (my laptop), she’s still going strong but I’m afraid she’s got a case of aging grandma of her own…when I type emails lately, the words come out all wrong and the cursor jumps all over the place.

Even though laying in bed feels like the safest place for me right now, of course I still get up. How could I not with the cutest boys in the world in my life? But don’t get me wrong, laying in bed and thinking has been a coping mechanism for me for the last decade, and it’s completely heightened since losing the twins. I’ve also worked to midnight or later for the last decade as a captioner, so that doesn’t help much. And bed has always been where I do my best thinking for some reason, so it’s where I do my best sorting out when it comes to the twins. My brain thinks.a.lot. About every little thing, so try and imagine how much it thinks about serious big things. It’s plain exhausting. I read somewhere that meditation is how some cope with grief, makes sense to me.

And lucky for me, I seem to have the most naturally self-entertaining kids in the world. They are so awesome at making up their own fun, and busying themselves for literally hours at a time. And I think we’ve done a good job of encouraging them at this too. They know not to ask for something they’re capable of themselves. They know they’re allowed bananas or apples for a snack at any time without having to ask. (It’s how I cut down on the snack question constantly, and it works awesome. Healthy and cheap too. And they never get tired of it.) Of course I get up and check on them if I can’t hear them, take care of a poopy diaper, force apologies, the usual, but I’m not going to worry or be ashamed about the fact that often times once they’re good to go, I lay back down for awhile. They’re always in earshot (their conversations and sound effects make me smile all day long).

Derick and I have worked hard to keep home a happy place, and I think we’re pretty awesome at it. Losing the twins has changed a lot of things, but our great marriage hasn’t been one of them. But I’m not going to pretend I don’t need to lay in bed and often just cry it out in order to get up and try and be a happy mom. One thing I decided early on is I was going to feel how I was going to feel, and I wasn’t going to be ashamed about it. You feel a certain pressure to just move on and be positive all the time, and I don’t think it’s healthy. (Or possible.) Grief has handed me this new thing that I’ve recently realized should probably just be called depression, and a girl’s got to cope, and part of that is being honest about my life with everyone around me. Trust me, if I could find a way to live in my house and NEVER leave or see anyone, I would! I wish I could have satellite church and move far, far away. Like Alaska sounds perfect. Would solve some problems! But as long as I have to face people, I have to make sure they know the real me and my real life, so I can exist outside these walls better. I’ve got some major sweet little boys who deserve nothing but the best, and I want it to be obvious that’s what they’re getting along with a mom who is taking care of herself too. After all, it’s not like I’ve had the best of luck in the past. Ha. Thanks for listening.

September 7, 2013 - 1:15 pm

Allison - Pam I can’t even stand how cute your kids are. I love them so much just by looking at them. I love how creative they are, and they are just so handsome. I’m glad you’re willing to be so open and honest about your feelings and the way you deal with things. I have had times in my own life when I felt overwhelmed at the prospect of having to act like I’m okay when I’m not. My mom told me Heavenly Father gave us feelings for a reason. If he never wanted us to feel mad or hurt or alone he wouldn’t have made it possible for us to feel that way. So now when I feel emotions that aren’t necessarily positive I just let them be and work through them instead of trying to make myself feel happy all the time. Love you!

September 7, 2013 - 4:01 pm

Julie - Thank you for sharing this. I am in no way comparing my situation to yours but I do feel the same way about feeling the need to move on and be strong and positive. It’s just the way people think you should deal with something. But if you don’t take the time and do what you feel you need to, I feel like you’re extending the healing process. You need to grieve in whatever way works for you. Laying in bed sounds mighty fine to me. It’s going to come back to you later if you don’t take the time now to sort through your thoughts.

September 7, 2013 - 5:02 pm

Leah - arrrrrrrrgh I freakin LOVE those boys! I love love love bakers bunny tail and I can just picture him shaking his little bum with it on! It exhausts me to the point I want to go lay in bed thinking about how much your brain thinks about things! Ha your amazing though and I’m proud your my sister! :o) luff you!

September 8, 2013 - 1:47 pm

Tina Wilde - I loved every picture and practically died from the sweetness. I love how honest you are about everything, it is refreshing and this post is no different. You guys are doing amazing and I just love you all so much!!!

September 30, 2013 - 2:23 am

Diane Bohmert - Hi, Pam. I haven’t been to pamheggie.com since you told me of it over a year ago. I was amazed to see all the beautiful photos, crafts, how industrious you are and make a great effort in all you do! You make me wish I could redo my kids early years over now:-) All the best in your health and happiness to infinity.

November 2, 2013 - 3:10 am

Allegra Eyre George - What in the world?!!? I have been so out of the blog world and must have missed something. Losing twins?! I seriously am in shock and can NOT believe this……. I’m so sorrryyyyyyyy!!!!!!!! My sister had a still born baby last year ONE day before her due date…what a heart wreching and unfair thing and it has been SO hard to see her try to endure such a horrific and unfair trial in life. Sorry sorry sorry sorry!!! You’re in my prayers. Hugs to you. I LOVE your cute boys. They are seriously so handsome and I’m dying over their sweaters. Hugs, sweet girl.

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